Putting it all on…

I’m in the process of getting prepped for THE FULL TAKEOVER OF RESPONSIBILITIES and it is…difficult. Being able to flit in and out of the classroom because of my courses was a misleading experience. It really only gave me a glimpse of the bad days, days like the ones we have been having in my kindergarten classroom.

Managing the classroom. I think that’s the biggest RESPONSIBILITY I am most afraid of. I can teach the academics (I think. I hope). But implementing “Positive Discipline,” “Cooperative Discipline,” “Blahdy-blah Discipline” is proving to be much harder than I thought, especially on days like today when my beautiful, intelligent, surprisingly-astute students push me to the limits of my patience. Do they understand that I don’t want to be the drill sergeant telling them to be quiet in the hallways? Do they understand I do it because I want that recommendation for a job next year? Can they see the beads of sweat forming on my hairline when I realize I’m losing them?

I hate to sound so insecure because I know I’m going to be a good teacher…one day. Scratch that. I know I am a good teacher and I know I will get better. It’s just so frustrating to be in that stage of my career where I haven’t figured out what works and what doesn’t. I feel like I’ve been trying so many different hats, piling things on that it’s just starting to weigh me down. How can I simplify it? Is that even what I need to do or is it supposed to be this complicated?

The more I reflect on my classroom management, the more I see that I need to take responsibility for how the students are behaving. It’s so easy to chalk it up to a “bad day,” or “So-and-so is having trouble at home,” or even “He just needs some more time to mature.”

I think I need to be calmer. I need to be even-toned. I need to be the adult my students need me to be, and make Every.Single.Expecation.Clear.and.Explicit. Ok. I think I can work on that for now.